Tokyo Train Of Consequences: Requiem For A Japan Rant
By spartancus • May 11th, 2008 • Category: The Latest
First, let’s clear the air: Tokyo has a tremendous public transportation system. It’s convenient, reasonable and expansive, not to mention pretty easy to understand for foreign types. My hometown (Detroit, MI) would have benefitted greatly from such a system. Instead, awful political leadership over the past 30 years has relegated the city to being a total stinktown where people only drive in and drive out on a daily basis. There’s no pipeline of public transportation that leads to the epicenter. Expect Motown to be completely abandoned in another 30 years.
OK, back to the point. Tokyo’s sparkling public train and subway system is a joy. It’s the people inside all the subway and train cars that suck. There will always be a rude, busy, city-dweller vibe to Tokyo inhabitants, but it’s never more crystal clear than on the daily commutes. This is the time when almost all passengers, in one way or another, completely forget what mommy and daddy were supposed to teach them all those years ago. Namely, manners. Or, for lack of a better term, train etiquette. if you’ve ridden the rails here, you already know what I mean. And before it appears as if I’m firing from some ivory tower, I know my own behavior can be suspect at times. But I will defend myself with this: I almost always stand on the train or metro and if not will always give my seat up to a woman, child, person older than me, etc., I always shut my trap, I always have my cell phone set to manner mode and I never read books, newspapers, documents, et al. during the ride.
Sadly, this can’t be said for 95 percent of the other passengers. It’s always something. A lot of Japanese people get a pass (the elderly, children) because you can’t blame innocence or ignorance, but I’ll be damned if the rest of the commuters (remember, this definitely includes foreigners) don’t piss me off on a daily basis. There are some basic types of travelers that commit the same faux pas each and every frickin’ day.
Mr. Important: This guy can get under your skin before the train has even been boarded. He’s the salaryman who decides because he’s a hotshot sempai at work, he doesn’t need to wait in line with the other commoners. So he splits the middle between the two lines, doesn’t wait for the other passengers to disembark, and bulls his way to a seat or a coveted corner near the door.
spartancus’ solution: Keep out what Billy West calls “The Elbow” in a cocked position and leave it in front of said salaryman when the doors open. Should he try to get by, just let him run into your widowmaker. I did this recently — was having a bad morning and the guy was a real dick — and also said “I don’t think so.” The guy slunk off to a corner and got on his phone, presumably to cry to the police. Or maybe he called his mom.
Ms. Jabberjaw: This is usually a two-person operation. A pair of genki Japanese girls board and just start gabbing away about the usual mundane, superficial crap in their lives. It wouldn’t be so bad if the volume were respectable, but apparently droning on about the brand new fake eyelashes on the market requires substantial squealing and clapping.
spartancus’ solution: Give em’ a once-over glare that would send a prison guard running. If that doesn’t work, turn up your iPod. If it’s a gaggle of high school girls, forget it. Just change cars.
Oldie Von Moldie: Like I said, old people get a pass. But not the very aware, very evil old ladies who know they can steal a spot in line, push past you, or orchestrate a hostile takeover of a seat because you won’t do anything. The worst are the troll-like ones who are dead-set on being in one specific part of the car. God help you if you get in the way.
spartancus’ solution: Roll your eyes. Shoganai.
Oblivious Gaijin: If it’s the weekend, and it’s peak drinking time, they’re everywhere. But I hand out a pass because they’re drunk and stupid, and damned if I haven’t gone through life in the same manner. No, I’m talking about the everyday, non-sign-reading, cell-phone talking, loud foreigners. I’ve seen idiots from my own country lounging in the specialty seating areas while a pregnant mom with two kids stood watching. Far too many times, I have had to hear what Person A thinks about Japanese Girl B’s body. And the next time I see one of these boobs blabbing on a cell phone, I’m going to lay down the thunder.
spartancus’ solution: If you’re up for it, explain the rules in Japan. It’s the only way to spread knowledge.
Psycho Aggressor: Primarily young Japanese men, these are the worst of the worst on trains and subways. Pent up rage from every corner of their daily life molds these youngsters into confused, scared, angry types who don’t know how to deal. So they act out in public as anonymous psychos; pushing, cursing, elbowing, glaring, touching, squeezing, poking … I once watched a guy elbow a poor young female office worker in the head repeatedly while she did nothing. (Believe me, I wanted to kick the schnitzel out of this cat). Chikans also fall under this umbrella, though I have yet to see one (I hope I do, so I can serve justice and then get deported).
spartancus’ solution: If you’re gutsy, make a move. But remember, if you get nailed by the cops, you’re likely out of Japan in a hurry or stuffed into a jail cell with even more perverts than a car on the Saikyo Line.
That covers the basics. Remember that there are a lot more things I’ll be touching on in the future, and please take everything I say with an industrial-size scooper of salt. But if you have stories to tell, we’d love to hear them. Or if you have solutions, I’m all ears …
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Editor’s Note: This is a rant. It is only a rant. It is not meant to indict an entire nation or its people. It is part of an ongoing series called, ‘Requiem For A Japan Rant.’ If you have any rants you’d like aired here at 7:10 to Tokyo, please submit them to info@sevententotokyo.com.
spartancus is a resident of West Tokyo and lives off the Seibu Ikebukuro line.
He is a native of Detroit, Michigan and has previously worked as a writer, editor, page designer, bartender, musician, waiter, roofer, landscaper, short-order cook, hardware store clerk, bookstore clerk, night security guard and dishwasher. He teaches English in public schools.
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Hey, great rant! I almost never ride the train these days, but I used to do the daily commute and remember freaking out at the girls with the eyelash curler contraption things. I was always expecting an eye to pop out! The other kids that annoyed me were the ones that sit down on the floor of the train. They need a good kicking!
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I spent a month vacationing in Japan recently and while I did tour around the country I wanted to spend a lot of time in Tokyo and managed to do so. I was riding the trains everyday and they were the epitome of cleanliness and efficiency when compared to public transportation in North America. I agree with giving up a seat to someone else who needs it or not sitting in the seats designated for the elderly, handicapped, expecting mothers, etc. But what I don’t understand is what is the problem if someone is talking on their cell phone? I saw quite a few people talking on their phones and none of them were any more loud than other people having conversations on the train. Why is it such a taboo? And what’s the big deal about quietly sitting there reading a book while not bothering anyone else? None of it bothered me probably because I am not Japanese and as a tourist I was in complete awe about being in Tokyo.
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You omitted “Mr Lean”, the guy who can’t be bothered to hold onto the handrail when the train is packed and would rather prop himself up against you instead.
The solution: wait for the train to brake slightly, which throws him forward and off you, and at that precise moment shift an inch or so away from him. As the train accelerates again, he goes back for the lean only to find it’s not quite there anymore.. the resultant flailing half-fall can be quite amusing.
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John,
I can’t speak for spartancus, but I think the talking-on-the-cell-phone thing bothers a lot of foreigners just because they know it’s Japanese train etiquette to refrain while riding. And, if you absolutely have to take a call, you’re supposed to move to a door. Many trains have automated announcements about refraining from talking on phones while riding and most ask riders to turn their ringers off when sitting in the regular seats and turn the phone completely off if they’re near priority seats. Knowing this, and seeing some salaryman or college kid who could give a shyte about the rest of the world sitting in a priority seat and jabbering away is pretty damned annoying. People who think the rules don’t matter are rarely ever good members of society, in my experience.
Chris,
Yes, Mr. Lean is an annoying bastard, isn’t he? I have noticed that men do this much more than women. Both spartancus and myself have either elbow-jabbed or shoved some of these numbnuts bastards. It is mind-blowing to think that these guys know that the train will rock back and forth, slow down suddenly, and accelerate, yet they refuse to grab a safety strap or handle.
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Try the “Personal Spacer”:
http://www.markmode.com/letsjapan/downloads/personal-spacer.jpg“
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I am still amazed that it seems that people in Japan rarley give up their seat to a pregnant women, handicapped person or elederly person. There are a lot of rude a-holes on the subway in Los Angeles but even here in LA people generally give up their seat to the above mentioned people.
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Too bad about Detroit also. At the rate Detroit is losing people, it will have a population smaller then Fargo North Dakota in not too long.
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Nick,
Thanks, man. The kids on the floor are annoying, but the oblivious mother yapping with the other mothers instead of supervising is the real culprit. Although after teaching elementary school, I also feel like kicking a young’n or two.
John,
Billy West more or less covered the taboo of phones. I don’t mind short, quiet calls (and Japanese people usually add the service of covering their mouth with their other hand) but the vociferous, super-important types suck.
Chris,
Nice add! Even better solution. I wish I had more time to cover all the knobs on trains and subs, such as Mr. Spread Eagle. The guy that simply MUST read the financial reports with both sides of the newspaper fully extended, despite conking people in the head with his elbows. Solution? I go with “accidently” crumbling his daily with my backpack.
Tornadoes,
Yeah, it’s a real shame about selfish people in the priority seats. The worst are the younger men who pretend to be asleep. Come on pal, we all have a hard day at work. As for Detroit, you said it. Great city, awful leadership.
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Hilarious and spot on! I agree whole heartedly about the evil old ladies.
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My first day in Tokyo after I moved here I was on the Ginza line and two older Japanese guys sat across from me. They were chatting and laughing when they got on and one guy put a newspaper on his lap and then put the other guy’s hand under the newspaper.
Welcome to Tokyo.
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Hey this was an absolute riot, i thoroughly enjoyed reading it and it reminded me of my time in Tokyo. But hey, there’s also alot of Japanese over here and they pretty much do the same thing! Sometimes it gets me so mad, i’m not adverse to sticking and elbow in or “accidentally” turning around and bashing them with my backpack. Haha. And they talk so loudly as if they are the only ones on the train.
I also had a beef with people not getting up for disabled, pregnant, elderly in Japan. My husband always made sure to get up and one time he got up for a disabled guy when no one else even bothered, and this guy couldn’t believe it and thanked him profusely. It’s probably the first and last time it ever happened to him which is a shame.
I love the descriptions of Mr Lean and Mr Important. I had quite a few run-ins with Mr Importants in the subways in Japan, basically they tried to mow me over and they bullied me out of the way like they were more important than me, and the thing is i saw them do it to Japanese as well and the Japanese just let them get away with it. Not me. But i doubt he could understand those choice English words i threw at his back…
Anyways, nice post! Can’t wait for the next installment!
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“A pair of genki Japanese girls board and just start gabbing away about the usual mundane, superficial crap in their lives.” That was just classic, and all too true.
Although I’ve heard so much about Japanese commuter issues, when I visited for 2 months in 2007, I absolutely loved the trains and had NO bad experiences. Mind you, I only road in rush hour traffic about 3 times :D, and I’m also well over 6 feet, giving me ample breathing room.
Excellent summary of the “characters” you’d likely encounter on the trains. I enjoyed reading it!
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I hate nasty old ladies who act like the world owes them something. When they had looks they had a bit of juice…but now that they are walking leather chairs…they got nadda!!!!!
Obaaaasaaaaqn!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
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Thanks for all the kind words azumarisan and Cruxay. I will try to come up another rant in the near future. Cheers.
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dude! you should come on Italian’s train … if you manage to catch one.
You don’t confront impolite riders you confront the polite ones … which are far more rare.
“Dude! don’t stand there in the corner bring your cell phone out and do some noise or the other kids will pick on you!”
I like to read and listen to music while riding, what I hate the most are people that play cellphone games with the sounds at max volumes or that let their phone ring while they check if they know the number that appeared on the screen.
What’s worst is Groups of high-schoolers commuting and speaking loud about stupid things. Solution? My favorite is confronting them and point all the passengers attention to them while making them notice all the angry stares from all the adults.
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My least favorite train is the 有楽町線 和光市ゆき 終電 (Yurakucho last train in the direction of Wakoshi) on Friday night. I had to catch a taxi home twice because I (as well as a few others) simply could not fit no matter how hard the 駅員 (station workers) pushed.
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your an idiot, you sound so middle aged and dull
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